welcome to my journal., this is just a place for me to vent or write things down when i have nobody to talk to.


merry christmas~! for christmas i got a butterfly knife, a printer, some managa (including hatsune miku manga, im surprised i even found it at my local store), and some items from hot topic.

yes im alive

and its currently christmas break. about two weeks to myself, how fun

but lately it hasnt been fun.

it hasnt been getting better, its been getting worse

i dont feel like explaining it right now. but i will soon, when im back and hopefully better

oh yeah, and i just learned my sibling will be a boy!


i'd feel fuzzy inside

the air around me is suddenly warm

what is this feeling?

my vision is blurry

the only one i see is her

was she always this beautiful?

suddenly, i want her to hold me

i want her to comfort me

perhaps.. im in love?

does she love me?

it's silly

who would love me when i don't even know how to love, myself?

either way, i enjoy her company

i enjoy it enough to even say..

i love her.



today i was forced to go to church again. i had no say so, my grandmother just made me go. then she wondered why i was upset the whole time there. she forced me to stand up during the songs even though the muscles in my legs cramped and ached.

they were doing this candle thing and i was waving my candle around like it was some concert and the woman behind me tapped my back and yelled at me. something along the lines of "this is a (whatever church event we were doing i forogt). LETS KEEP IT THAT WAY."

and i was like are you my parent or guardian? if your not then i adivse you stfu and mind your own damn buissness you stuck up bitch. if i could go back in time i would stab her in the fucking eye with the candle i had. if im gonna be disrespectful to the event then thats my grandmother's issue not yours. you didnt raise me, you dont know my name, you dont know what my life is like, you dont know that i didnt fucking choose to be here.

i just want to live my life. i hate going to church. im so uncomfortable around the people there. i was bullied there when i was forced to go to sunday classes. i didnt want to go in the first place. i remember it. early 2018. she asked me if i wanted to start going to church. i told her no and she said "well we're gonna go anyway". SHE MADE ME HATE CHRISTIANITY AND THE PEOPLE APART OF IT. i had a best friend at church. we were both interested in undertale so we got along nicely. i would vent to him about not wanting to go to church. he would tell my grandmother. i told him not to tell her and he did anyway. she would confront me about it and i was too afraid of her to tell her the truth. my only friend there made me feel betrayed. im sure he didnt mean to betray me and he just wanted me to keep going to church to see him. he would tell grandmother to make sure to force me to go. i last saw him about 2 months ago. i havent been able to trust people at the church since then. i refuse to go now.

grandmother has done many other things.

"stop treating me like poison and just go to church its not that hard"

when you force me to do things im clearly not comfortable with and guilt trip me when i refuse over time i will begin to treat you like poison.

in 2019 i wouldnt read a book once and she started yelling at me and complaining about me always being on my phone

my phone and the internet is my only escape from reality and my problems. my friends on the internet make me feel safer and happier when i talk to them and hang with them. if i lost my phone my problems would feel so much more worse than they already are. taking my phone would make me hate you and never forgive you. no more forgive and forget

i hid in the backyard for the rest of the day until my dad came to pick me up

when i was younger she would babysit me. this happened before kindergarten, she got me a writing book that taught you to write letters. apparently the way i wrote e's was unsatisfatory to her and she started screaming at me. she then took the book and threw it somewhere.

i remember my grandfather saying "she's just a kid". im glad he understands.

i feel misunderstood there


i feel better. i dont feel good but i do feel better. i appreciate that i have parents that support and love me. the rest of my family isnt the best, not as accepting and obsessed with politics, but thats okay. im glad the people im closest to are the best people. i have a sibling coming in about 7 months. i hope they are a good person ,too. if not then i'll still love them :))


sometimes the feekling just seems to hit you so hard, so unexpectedly and without reason. today was great until it seemed to punch me square in the face.

and to make it worse i have nobody to talk to. i can talk people through their problems but when i have a problem suddenly its like no body fucking cares. not even my best friend cares. god, what did i do to deserve this? all i want is comfort and not even i can get that